Friday, July 30, 2010

Things Men Say

I can't believe July is already over and I've survived the severe heat and humidity of July in DC. One thing I did smarter this year was not even attempting to blow dry my hair in this weather. I may not have gotten smarter about men but I survived my crazy experiences with them. Here's just a sample of the crazy (or funny) things I've heard from the mouths of men this month:

  • I haven't worn underwear since '97. -Local singer/songwriter
  • I call tattoos on women 'tramp stamps'. -Recent transplant from Boston
  • For $750 million I would be a straight woman. -Gay guy friend on the Tiger Woods divorce
  • Not sure why, but I find you interesting. -Guy asking for my number at a bar
  • I masturbate almost every day. What can I say, I think I'm sexy. -Video editor friend
  • I have the best excuse ever for not calling: I had a stroke. -Guy I went out with last year and ran into on the street
  • And while he said it many years ago, I just heard Jenny Sanford tell Oprah recently that her ex-husband Mark Sanford told her that he didn't want the word 'faithful' in their wedding vows. That worked out well.

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Dude, Really?

The good thing about being single is that generally when a relationship is over, it's over. You can completely cut ties with the person. And especially when a relationship ends badly, you're very grateful for that fact. I was very happy to be done with a guy I dated a few months ago but unwisely had occasional sex with him. What can I say, we had strong physical chemistry. But about a month ago, I made the decision not to do that either and was truly cutting ties. I was trying to wipe the slate clean for something better. Good for me, right? Well, apparently this wasn't good enough for someone - his PREGNANT WIFE! Yes, this past weekend I got that crazy psycho call every single woman fears. Fortunately (or, maybe not) for me, I wasn't afraid because I've been there before several years ago. However, back then the circumstances were of the stereotypical kind: naive girl knows the guy is married, he claims he's not happy and the wife is a horrible person, and girl believes that he will leave like he claims. But I learned my lesson and knew I would never fall into that trap again. With all the other really ridiculous man-drama I experienced since, I figured I'd gotten my fair share of karma.
So, this was somewhat of a shock for several reasons. For one thing, I met several members of this guy's family, including his parents. I was at his parent's home (where he lived) several times. For a while we were spending so much time together that it was almost like we were living together. So, where was the wife during all of this? According to her, she arrived in the U.S. permanently several months ago. His response to this nonsense, including how she got my phone number: nothing. And surely his family was involved in this marriage. Um, could you have let me in on this bullshit? If there was a limit on the number of WTF?'s a person gets, I would have surpassed it now by a million.
Now I know this may sound ethnocentric, but I may need to add a category to the Who Not to Date List: men who are culturally different. Even though this guy, like his gazillion siblings, has spent the majority of his life in the U.S., we were just way too different. He was completely immersed in his family's life: lived with them, worked for them, socialized with them. They had a lot of control over him and I just didn't get it. I mean really, 6am phone calls from your mother? I don't' think I'm supposed to get any of this. All I know is that I'm starting to think that the years women spend dating in DC are like dog years. I may have to retire from dating altogether if I don't want to end up a senior citizen next year.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

One of Those Days

This was truly one of those days when I am happy just to be home. It started off bad. Suffering from another bout of insomnia, I woke up late only to realize that I forgot to buy coffee beans over the weekend. This is not good for someone like me who needs to be plugged up to an IV of caffeine as soon as I wake up. I knew it would be raining but I forgot my umbrella of course, in my rush to get to work. And of course, when I left work it was pouring outside. I ran back in and asked someone in the office if there was a spare umbrella. The only one he could find was a child's mickey mouse umbrella with ears! Well, beggars can't be choosers. On my way to the train I get several funny looks and I finally yell at someone, "It's not my umbrella!" I got off the train at Dupont Circle to meet Mitch for dinner at Thaiphoon. I didn't eat lunch so I was starving. When I exited the train there was a burning smell in the station and we were told that the north side was closed because of a fire. As luck would have it, the escalators were not working so there's a massive crowd waiting to make the trek up. I finally made it out of the station only to notice that Mitch, being the hysterical queen that he is, has sent me a million texts asking where I am. At Thaiphoon, I ordered pad thai and as I began to dig in, to my horror I noticed a long hair weaved in with my noodles. What the hell! I completely lost my appetite. I was tired and just wanted to go home at that point. After Mitch dropped me off at my door and drove off, I shuffled through my purse and realized that I didn't have my keys. Hell no! The image of my keys sitting on my desk at work immediately popped in my head. And just as this realization hit, it also starts to rain again - hard. The umbrella with the ears? I left it back at Thaiphoon. Luckily, my landlord lives nearby so it didn't take too long to get in my apartment. There's a Mad Men marathon on and a bottle of wine with my name on it! Home sweet home.

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Random Thoughts on Metro at 4:45 pm on a Thursday

I made the unfortunate decision of going out to Bethesda via Metro to do a little shopping on my day off at 4:45 pm on a Thursday. These were some of my thoughts:

  • Why the hell do people pack themselves into Metro cars like sardines during the evening rush hour? This is especially ridiculous during a heat wave in July! In the morning I get it. You don't want to be late for work and every minute counts. But in the evening, when these government geeks are most likely doing nothing more than going home to a TV dinner and there's another train in two minutes, what's the point? And I don't care how long you showered or how much scented stuff you sprayed or slapped on your body that morning, by the end of the work day I don't want to be packed up against a bunch of folk. It's just plain funky!
  • With yet another Metro fare increase, all I'm left to ask is: wtf? I mean really, has service improved? Are escalators being fixed? Will buses run on schedule? Will employees stop texting or sleeping while operating trains and buses? Are the trains actually any safer after last year's crash?
  • Why don't more employers utilize telecommuting? And does every office worker really need to work from 9 to 5?
  • On my left: rather obese woman with huge wedding ring holding the hand of a hot guy with a buzz cut. Both appear to be in their twenties. My take: they are a young married couple from the Midwest who met in high school and he's in the military. That just doesn't happen in DC. Guys in DC aren't even trying to marry women who like models with six-figure salaries. And yes, in his back pocket is a museum brochure. Tourists!
  • Guy in front of me: why do men with frontal balding let the hair in the back continue to grow no matter how bad it looks? This guy had stringy gray hair in the back of his head that was almost at his ass. Where are Stacy and Clinton when you need them?
  • Woman on my right: appeared to be in her late 50's, holding a nylon lunch bag, head in hand and rubbing her forehead. Oh yeah, she knows exactly how many days until retirement.
  • I'm often surprised bars aren't more crowded during happy hour. My choice for the next Mayor: the candidate who believes in the necessity of granting an alcohol allowance to every DC worker as much as I do. What else is DC government doing with my taxes?

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